The time has come....we have reached that point...the point where Alli pushes buttons, tests limits, misbehaves...you get the point....now what do WE as parents do? Well the obvious answer is discipline...but HOW are you going to discipline??
I've actually been thinking a lot about this lately. I took a lot in from conference about how to be a better parent and even in previous conference talks I've keyed in on a few remarks made about disciplining with firmness while showing an outpouring of love. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the moment of frustration and lash out. It's much harder to step back, control your emotions and calmly/firmly discipline while lovingly telling them why they are in trouble. I wasn't so good at that today!
Today I had to go to the dr for a routine visit. Ben had to drop his truck at the repair shop at the same time (for a wreck 2 weeks ago). He intended to be back in time to get Alli from me at the Dr's office. It took a little longer than he hoped. So for some reason this morning Alli was feisty. I don't remember how the first two incidents occurred but two different times this morning Alli got my finger in her mouth and bit. She didn't bite so hard that I couldn't get away but for some reason....my maniac daughter...thinks that it is funny to inflict pain. She likes to see your reaction....(yes I know...she needs discipline...this is a developing problem). So I get her to the Dr office no problem. Well unbeknownst to me, they needed me to update some paperwork. Alli wasn't too thrilled that I was putting my attention into filling out paperwork. So while standing in front of me she proceeds to BITE my knee! She bit so hard through my jeans that she broke skin! Just out of sheer reaction to the pain of it, I quickly knocked my knee away from her but it knocked her down in the process and either hurt her or scared her because she then proceeded to cry for 3-5 minutes in the waiting room....I'm sure I looked like a real good mom for knocking my daughter to the ground. I made sure to tell her so others could hear as I was soothing her...."you're the one that BIT me!" haha...poor thing. After this 3rd bite of the morning, I was more cautious to her actions and could see her attempts before she got me again and I was able to sternly say NO. This worked...thankfully.
But this incident got me and Ben talking today about how we as parents want to discipline her at this current age she is in. I am pro spanking. I know not all parents are...but I am. I'm not saying beat her...and I know some people believe the prophets have preached against it...but I don't believe that. They prophets and apostles have preached about teaching with a firm love. Anyway, I won't go into that...we just don't think at Alli's current age that spanking her is effective. So some of our thoughts were smacking her on the hand (again like spanking, not sure if she would get it...I think she might believe its a game), time out, or just a firm NO with an explanation of why no.
I think at her current age that time out would be effective in the right circumstance. She HATES to be left alone, so we could use this to our advantage to show her that bad behavior equals something she doesn't like. But time out would have to be enforced in a place where she can't "play". I would have a difficult time confining her to a chair at her age and putting her in her room is out of the question because of all the stuff to play with. So...not sure where to put "timeout" at where she can be isolated but kept safe. Then there is the question of what if you aren't home. You can't do time out in the middle of the grocery store....so I guess stern no is the best thing I can do there.
Anyway, we aren't at terrible twos...but we're getting started. The other problem we've been facing is that Alli is learning how to avoid sleeping. Over the past week or so, bedtime has become an all out war. All we used to have to do was our night time routine, place her in the crib, tuck her in and say good night. That would be it. She might roll around and play for a bit but she would rarely fuss. Not any more. Now she is fine until about 5 minutes after you left the room...she realizes she is now down for the night and she wants to be up playing. She will cry...and cry.....and cry... After about 10 minutes I'll go check on her....no diaper, fed, not teething, no fever...what's the problem?? Nothing...as soon as I pick her up she will calm down and immediately start to smack my face or giggle or point to books or dolls in an effort to play. In exasperation of hearing her cry, we will sometimes let her down to play a little longer to wear herself out...but she's already tired so this doesn't work, it only over stimulates her further. In addition to this, three times in the last 8-10 days, she has woken between midnight and 3am with intermittent crying. When we go in, she is WIDE awake and wants to play. WHAT THE HECK?!? Trying to put her back to bed doesn't work because then she just cries again. So I had to let her play and get tired again. This keeps me up anywhere from 1-2 hours.
Well after tonight's bedtime episode, I've wised up. I'm starting to believe that Alli is crying purely to keep from going to bed and get you to come in her room to play. I think the same thing is happening in the middle of the night. If she woke in the past she would just go back to sleep, but now she knows she can cry to get our attention. So tonight I checked on her once after crying for 15 minutes. When I saw she only wanted to play, I told her it was "time to go to bed". This immediately brought tears, so I KNOW she knows what bedtime means now. So I cuddled for a few more minutes then again said, it is bedtime and put her back in her crib. She immediately cried. I left the room and listened to my dear defiant little one cry for another 30-40 minutes. I hate it...I can't tell you how much I HATE hearing her cry. It is something that goes against your nature as a parent to sit and listen to your child cry and yet do nothing. But I fear if I go in...if I give in and get her up....and let her play....then we are on a slippery slope and she will develop a BAD habit of thinking this is how to get her way....So tonight, I stood firm...and it sucked. It will be much harder to be firm in the middle of the night when all I want to do is sleep. Hopefully she will sleep through the night tonight and I wont have to deal with that.
Sorry for the novel...just want to share the joys of parenthood.
7 years ago
6 comments:
Sounds like you are doing fine. You just need to be more stubborn than your child. You and Ben are GREAT parents with a smart child; you just have to be smarter. :)
I know this might sound weird coming from someone without a child but after working with children and not being able to spank, you have to be creative on what works for the child to change the behavior. But I'm with you on the spanking...spanking isn't beating. If I were blessed with a child the way you are doing it is the way I would do it.
I am very anti spanking. But that said, I don't believe that spanking or time out or any "real" discipline besides saying no can be done before 18 months effectively- they just don't understand it before then. I do believe that before then the best way is consistency in what you say no to, and removing those temptations or situations from her. Bedtime is a whole other story- and I think you're right, go in to calm her down, explain its bedtime, then you have to not give in to play time. However, I hated to hear my baby cry too, and usually couldn't handle it so I rocked a lot- which always worked for us on the hard nights and he went right to sleep. Contrary to what we were told about rocking, our son doesn't have to be rocked every night now that he's three because we did when he was 14 months- sometimes you just have to be sensitive to changes as they grow or a little comfort that they need. Good luck, and always remember the Lord is very mindful of us as parents and is VERY willing to comfort and help you figure it all out!
thanks guys. Thankfully, she slept great through the night. Hopefully tonight can continue the good progress...atleast until we go out of town this weekend and mess her all up again.
That is funny that Alli is in a "biting" phase, because Carter does that too when he is angry! It's almost satanic how he'll scream and lunge at your with mouth wide ready for flesh. Kinds creepy - but a firm no and explanation has been my discipline thus far. I was talking with Don about how Carter would even think of such an action, but I wonder if he "learned" the "biting" from us always "eating" his neck and belly to make him laugh...hmmmm. Anyway....I am not sure about spanking. My parents were for it, but I only recall 2 times ever being spanked. (I was an angel you know...haha ;-P) but with carter when he goes near the TV or something of that nature where he is no allowed, or touches something I say a firm No, lightly but firmly "slap" his hand and then move him to a different area for play. ....we'll see what changes as he gets older....
...but he responds well to the No and hand slap. I really think he understands it, and any time you use the "voice" he stops. :)
Well I know we were spanked..and I wasn't spanked often, but I had a respect for my parents and knew I had to follow what they said (until you become a defiant teenage)...but I also know what I experienced around others in public high school. I remember a discussion in my senior AP english class. We as a class were discussing how many of us could see the difference in behavior between those students who weren't disciplined as kids with spanking and those who were. In my school, those who got in trouble all the time, were not spanked at home. It was just something we observed as 17 year olds and I have never forgotten to this day. (And this was NOT a discussion brought on by the teacher...we as students brought it up.) I also want to note that Ben and I are both for it...its not just me. I'm not saying we would spank Alli for everything. I think there is a time and place for every discipline. But as always, to each his own.
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